tv At Midnight Comedy Central March 11, 2014 12:01am-12:32am PDT
>> t's 11:59 and 59 seconds. this happened on tmz.com today! justin bieber got deposed and he he was an enormous douchnoble about it. >> i don't have to listen to anything you have to say. >> i object. >> guess what? ( laughter ) ( booing ). >> what are you booing me for? he's the ( bleep )! ( laughter ) ( applause ) why do people like you again? i don't recall.
that's part of justin bieber's deposition in a lawsuit against his bodyguard, who is being sued for attacking a paparazzi it's more of a he's got no class action suit. comedians, please give the name of the straight to netflix courtroom thriller that will be based on this trial. i think it will be cawd a few good men... will straisen out this piece of ( bleep ). >> law and order special douchebag unit. >> 12 angry men beat the ( bleep ) out of justin bieber and everybody is okay with it. ( cheers and applause ). captioning sponsored by comedy central welcome to "@midnight." i'm chris hardwick. tonight we have three guests from smodcast.com. from "comic book men," sundays on amc after "talking dead," it's kevin smith. ( cheers and applause )
it's so great to have you on this show. >> what rocks with this show it's the only show on television where they let you stand up, man. when i sit down, all the java rolls come out. here i can stand and people go he's not as nat. i like it here, it's great. 7 >> from "jay & silent bob's super groovy cartoon movie" it's jason mewes. >> from the "hollywood babble-on" podcast and "a million ways to die in the west," in theaters may 30th, it's ralph garman. ripped from today's internet headlines, it's "rapid refresh." ( applause ) hbogo crashed during last night's much anticipated season
finale of "true detective," leaving "true detective" zealots in an existential quandary worthy of a car ride discussion with matthew mcconaughey's character. which of the following is a real tweet about this national nightmare? a. @hbogo more like hbogobamacare! ( laughter ) ( applause ) b. hbogo acting like a bitch because i wanna watch the finale of "true detective." man (bleep) technology! while using technology. all right. c. no "true detective"! what am i paying u 4 @hbogo? i've already seen @lenadunham naked. >> i'm going to say a. >> unfortunately the correct answer is b. >> what! >> i know. >> they spelled man with two ns. >> i don't know if you saw the finale but we have a no spoiler clip. watch this gripping drama. it's such a good show. >> prison is hard on people who
have kid. >> don't have to listen to anything you have to say. >> i'll give you the opportunity to kill yourself. ( cheers and applause ) >> oh, the fall is going to be so gratifying. ( laughter ) the beeb also tirnd up at south by southwest, as evidenced by this reaction selfie, tweeted by a surprised spectator. there he is. and there she is. there he is. and there she is. sadly, justin bieber isn't the most ridiculous name playing the music festival. which of the following is the name of a real band playing this year. a. guantanamo baywatch. b. cerebal ballzy. c. death by unga bunga. ralph garman. >> i want to say guatanamo bayed
watch. and i believe pam anderson is the lead singer. >> is he the lead singer? she could be. they're all real wand names every single one of them. >> that was a really disappoint like ooooh. how are we supposed to play if all the answers are all? >> trick question. ( applause ) everyone wins. >> points. >> points! >> all right, i'll give kev 100 points. ( cheers and applause ). ironically giving him points for that comment makes this more like t-ball. >> now we get a juice box and a banana. >> you said juice box, right? >> yeah, juice box. >> how do you drink that. >> what were you just drinking? >> you know, a juice box? you know, a juice sphwhox that is the end of "rapid refresh." thanks everyone for playing along with us.
we thought that might look something like this by the way. ( cheers and applause ) still has yet to win an episode of "@midnight"." now it's time for tonight's #hashtagwars. ( cheers and applause ) so this weekend's south by southwest lineup sound had band names like butter the children, and marijuana death squad. in addition to the ones from earlier. the stupider your band name the noticer your band gets. tonight's hash tack is #ruinaband. examples might be tom petty and the shark breakers. or kings of the queens of the stone age.
or fleetwood pc. >> have you ever tried to game on a mac? i know,in. i'll put 60 seconds on the clock starting now. go. ralph garman. >> sister of a down syndrome. >> kevun. >> ron dmc. jason. >> twisted sister act. >> yes! points. ralph garman. >> rebecca black sabbath. ( applause ) >> points. kev. >> clam halen. ( laughter ) ( applause ) because i guarantee you, forever that band is ruined for you. >> ruined. points!
jason. >> the iron deficient maiden. >> points! well done. >> give him double points. that's the biggest word he ever used. ( laughter ) ( applause ) ( cheers and applause ) lrt, 100 extra points goes toes can muse for using big words. >> one erection. >> you only get one yes points. garman. >> the yeasty boys. >> yes yeasty boys! >> ruined that band for you forever. ( laughter ) ( applause ) you remember-- "you have to fight for your right to party."
that's the end of hass.ars. or another option would be vallenari's uh... hungry cat seafood uh... magnolia which is tapas. that sounds nice. two things at once? it can do that? yeah. this book makes no sense. (all) i know. i was thinking the same thing. well, maybe we can look it up on youtube. hmm, it can do that? yeah. my kindle can't get that app. well, what can it do? books. so your samsung looks better than my ipad because it's got more pixels? right mine's got the retina thingy... not sure that matters. excuse me bartender! can we get the game on ...the game? hey. check this out. it can do that? it just did.
turning male celebs into women. comedians, you have to tell me which was the prettier man-lady. they're both hot at the box office, but who's hotter in the face? wilma smith or tamara cruise? kev? >> ooh! it's like drowning or getting eaten by a shark. i'm going to go tom cruise. >> the till answer is in fact tamara cruise. next one. this hits close to home. comedians, who's hotter? jacey mewes or ralph garwoman? kevina smith or chrissy hardwick? before you guys even answer, i have to be honest, i would totally ( bleep ) this. i would. i'm not that so it could be anyone. >> i have to be double honest.
i totally did ( bleep ) that. ( cheers and applause ) and he never cleaned up that pretty, either. >> all right 100 points for ( bleep ) that, kevin. ralph, which one? >> knowing what moouz can do with that mouth, i say jacey mewesy moouz. >> except for the tits, not that different. >> you can tell, man, you don't want to date her. she's trouble over there on the left. this one over here is the girl next door, man. you can bring her home to mom. this one over here is like taking mom's silverware. she's the girl next door who has never been let outside. >> hey! i'm right here! >> this isn't you! >> yes, it is!
the girl next door in the garage. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) finally, let's look at this one. kevina smith or chrissy hardwick? >> i mean, i wouldn't even ( bleep ) me. >> what is that? >> wow! you think it's me? yeah i did-- i did rate higher on the thing, but not by a lot. i mean-- >> i call you judas, man. >> i've already had that, but i want something new. >> hardwick, you look like you'd be a real tough german mistress. >> there's a lot of ( bleep ) about you, man. >> it looks like a partridge from the haupted mansion at
disneyland. ( cheers and applause ). thkfully, that's the end of "gender bender beauty pageant." it is now time for our next game "how r/unexpected" this is our tribute to r/unexpected, a subreddit where images and gifs start one way but go in a completely unexpected direction. you an image from a gif and and give you two opgs. the backpack sending it through a window causing an explosion? loses hold of the backpack sending it through a window causing an explosion. >> i'm thinking it's the banana. >> let's find out if it's the banana.
>> this guy he toablgthsly has a lawsuit on his hands and if he loses he can totally appeal. >> yes! there you go! points! >> for the appeal pun. well played kevin smith 100 points for that. how about this lady with a diet coke and parakeet. does the seed erupt or does it sweep in before she can open it? >> i so want to see two. >> let's find out if the parakeet steals the bottle. and that is how you end
r/unexpected. >> wait for it. wait for it. >> all right, guys. that is the end of r/unexpected. it is time for-- that was a great way to end r/unexpected, by the way. >> it was. >> it's time for our first live challenge. antisocial drinker. a video from elitedaily was just released showing two inventors trying to get funding for a new household appliance called the miracle machine that allows you to literally turn water into wine in just three days with the helpave download app. >> just like it literally turns water into wine with just the additionave few ingredients and the fraction of the time and cost it normally takes. >> instead of power of god, you have time, yeast and a mysterious substance called finishing powder. you know, just like jesus did it. ( cheers and applause ).
( cheers and applause ) welcome back to @smodnight. before the break, i showed you a video of a new appliance in development that literally turns water into wine, and i asked you to write your app >> i have hated humans since you whipped out the hammer. this yapp is extra is infringing on my trademark. cease and desist if you want to exit. ( laughter ) ( applause ). >> you rhyme at the end. that technically could also be johnny cochran. >> it riemed as well. >> yeah, exactly. jason mewes. >> it turned water into wine, and then turned last supper into an orgy. >> five stars. ( cheers and applause ).
ralph garman. >> in three days you make wine. i rose from the dead. check and mate, bitches. ( cheers and applause ). >> nice. i've got to give 1,000 point to ralph garman 500 each to kevin smith and jason mewes. we go to our next game "new netflix category. netflix is a treasure trove for film fans but has a tendency to conjure up very distinct categories like violent nightmare vacation movies and mind-bending romantic foreign films. comedians, i would like to you buzz in with as many ridiculous new netflix categories as you can. kev. >> the good kevin smith movies. >> ( cheers and applause ). >> points! ralph garman. >> a borne-killing romantic comedy.
>> that's all of them, points. jason. >> chain saw bob do anal. >> thank you. kev. >> there's a lot of john cusack movies, so john cusack muzak. >> ralph garman. >> development amy disabled oscar grabs. >> points! >> movies that you think based on the poster artwork is going to be stroke material but really it's an israeli documentary. >> point! ( cheers and applause ) and that is the end of "new netflix" categories. jay i'm so sorry you are in third place. >> oh, my god! he's super strong! blind him in the light before he gets out! he loves juice boxes.
>> that's right, guys, no more smoochie boochies it's time for, "for the win." i'm sure you must have seen this today but if you didn't here's a youtube video of two excitable british children which made the front page of reddit this morning. take a look. okay, i'm going to stop that right there. because i'm sure a lot of you are like well that's the funny part, right there, the tiny kid who learned how to walk, fell down hilarious. but wait until the ice cream van arrives. ♪ ♪ ♪ >> the ice cream-- ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> i comedians please write this kid's yelp review of the ice cream van.
you guys are tied. it's the moment we've been waiting for. it's for the win. i'm going to wipe your scores clean, wipe, wipe, wipe. >> we built up our points. >> they're gone. forget them. >> i don't i don't know if i want to compete. let's go out like thelma and louise. >> i'm going to read your answers without revealing who wrote what. the winner will be decided by these guys. it's not really a competition, except one of you will win. i asked you to write the other kid's re-- yelp review of the ice cream man. here's the first one eye scream, you scream, we all scream for-- i forgot. my head. grandma? is that you? i see angels now. ice cream. ( cheers and applause ). i'd love to see it go to yelp. sw that. i crawled after with my broken legs but the ice cream van
refused to slow down. i saw him laughing in the rearview mirror. two was the louder response from you guys. two was the winner. who was two? ralph garman! ( cheers and applause ) - ♪ i'm goin' down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪ - ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ - ♪ i'm goin' down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna leave my woes behind ♪ - ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ ♪ people spouting "howdy, neighbor" ♪ - ♪ headin' on up to south park gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ - ♪ [muffled] ♪ - ♪ come on down to south park and meet some friends of mine ♪